`love me cause i love you.

"F9 here i come! YAYNESS (: "

sylvia, remember this? well, it came true :( i failed maths, science, dnt and history. damned.

english = 50/100

chinese = 58/100

literature = 65/100

i cant believe i only scored 50 for english! english was always one of my better subjects! studied maths, science and history till like 12+, 1+ am and this is the results i get? what the hell. i have no one to blame, and i only can blame myself for studying last minute. shouldnt have had burn midnight oil. it makes me feel tired, very very tired. sighs. i still cant believe i failed so badly!! EURGH.

and then there's my parents adding salt into my wounds. *glare. whatever lah. you're all my parents. but you dont even freaking understand your own daughter, me. brother gets whatever he wants, even if he does get bad results you didnt scold him or anything cause you know that he've already tried his best. i get bad results, and there you are.. scolding me and treating me like shit. okayokay, prolly im jealous of how you treat me and how you treat brother. i think that its practically unfair. ohwell, life is always unfair so why do i even care?! i've already tried my best but you all just dont know that. you all said that im always slacking and all, not studying. but the truth is, i studied! only that you didnt see me when i was studying!! like i said, you all dont know that ive tried my best, but in my heart i know that ive already tried my best, its enough already. whatever luh. i dont even blame anyone on my poor results, so why should you blame me? ive been asking you to get a tuition teacher for me to tutor me on my weaker subjects but you always said NO. you said its a waste of money, but youre like sooooo wrong. in the end, i finally find myself a tutor one week before exams start. what is this?! i feel like im being suffocated by you all. you want me to be good in this, good in that. its not easy. you dont understand me, but i dont understand myself either. not easy being your daughter. you NEVER and i mean NEVER encourage me to do things in whatever i want to do. why? since just now i say i didnt want to talk to you anymore, and you said you didnt want to talk to me anymore, im okay with that! we've got nothing to talk to each other anymore, NOTHING. i can stay at home whole day not talking to anyone. hey, im not weak okay? ive got determination.

people always say :"if others didnt give up on you, why should you give up on yourself? " . i think you all have already gave up on me, but i didnt give up on myself. do you know how miserable it is to actually cry to sleep at night? im feeling angry, sad and disappointed. its hard to actually smile 24/7 when youre actually sad.

ive learnt from the book, The Outsiders by S E Hinton [ Sue Eloise Hinton ]. Her message to readers is that for a family to be happy, there must be love, care and support provided that the family members must live happily. but my family? HA. have love, no care and no support. what the hell is this? shit family? hurhur. too much love, care and support and no discipline can be bad, but too less of it can be bad too!

i shall stand up from where i've fallen from. i shall pick myself up. i wont make history repeat itself. and i shall never waste my time saying i could have because its all over, like what nuriman had said.

im drunk, or at least i want to be drunk. william says that some people forget their pain by drinking, some by laughing, some by sleeping, some by getting angry, some by crying and some get agitated. there are even some who wants to commit suicide. but for a small percentage, they just sighed and move on. this small percentage are the ones who show the determination to carry on. well, i use to be able to move on, but not now. its difficult and EOY means very much to me=( nick says that i dont always give up.. nah, i dont think so. i think that i always give up. lol. talking to william always make me learn something new =) lol. william! you should be honoured yea? lol =D i dont want to sink faster in a quicksand, neither do i want to sink. i want someone to pop up and help me. but there's no one who will help me): [ans to william.] drowning in the water without anybody grabbing my hand and saving me.

im a loner. im an outcast. ha ha. that should be me. i should not have any friends any more. im angry with myself. i should withdraw myself from the social crowd. like what leonard said, im a cold blooded ice princess who doesnt smiles and doesnt have feelings. hurhur(: whatever.

my 100th post and probably my last post? what cock am i talking about? LOL. i mean, maybe im going off for long term hiatus~ im very tired. its like running a 1000m race without stopping at all.

linkin park, numb. jumbled up lyrics.

this is what im currently feeling right now. this song describes my feelings. sheesh.

[ i wish for a little fairyland of my own.. ]